Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Miliband - too weird-looking to win

There's something very wrong with Miliband's head. It looks as though it's been sculpted out of plasticine by someone who has studied human physiology but not art. It doesn't connect. It looks weird and a bit alien. Everything's in slightly the wrong place and slightly the wrong size. If he got on the bus, you'd hope he wouldn't sit next to you, in case he revealed he was an anarchist and had a nail bomb in his rucksack. It's not a head that ordinary English people subconsciously recognise and trust. His electoral prospects are therefore somewhere around zero.

Harriet Harman's head is the right shape - she looks like a trusty care assistant from the local nursery - but unfortunately it's filled with rubbish. She's the sort of person who thinks the Da Vinci Code is a documentary, the moon landings were faked and Lee Harvey Oswald didn't shoot JFK. Straw always looks like a weasel who's laid a trail of silent farts. Only Alan Johnson looks normal and English; if he walked up your path with his postie's sack over his shoulder, you'd damn well better be grateful and don't even think about complaining about the red rubber bands he leaves on the doorstep. I could like Johnson.

Anyway, with Miliband's piece in the Guardian this morning, the leadership race is on. I think Miliband is destined to be Labour's Portillo. Harman will scupper her own campaign. Straw will be too cunning for his own good. All Johnson has to do, really, is not mention the leadership race at all, tell a few Yorkshire cricketing anecdotes, be pictured drinking a pint from a dimple mug and let it be known that he's an angler. He could also drop the words 'common sense' into soundbites, something the public won't associate with Liliband because he's a weird ideologue or Harman because she's an empty-headed ninny or Straw because he's a duplicitous bastard.

This could turn out to be a decent summer after all.

6 comments:

Nick Drew said...

so R, you don't feel Hilary Benn's sleek, well-proportioned nouveau-aristo lines make him a shoo-in, then ?

or little Hazel's glorious head of auburn hair, atop the endearing chipmunk-cheeks ?

or Peter Hain's warm, comforting orange glow ?

(more of a shoe-in, perhaps)

Anonymous said...

Good God, Raedwald! Alan Johnson looks like a newt gone wrong. He's got no eyebrows and his eyes look like they're sliding off his face and onto his cheeks.

hatfield girl said...

Miliband is Belgian. Of course he looks like that. Think Poirot.

Newmania said...

Nope it will be the Millipede and I predict it will be after the conference

So agree with you about Straw

Newmania said...

PS I think I claim the Palm in the "Find the stupidest looking picture of Millipede " competition

Nick Drew said...

we're working on it