Hooray for Harriet! Her speech to the comrades has given me new hope and yes, reader, I may even vote Labour at the next election if Harriet can guarantee to keep her promise. You see, I think it's unutterably unfair that I don't earn the same wage as Frank Lampard. His earnings of £150,000 a week should, by rights, be mine too. Harriet's pledge for Labour to 'close the gap' between the rich and poor, to force financial equality onto the nation, echoes Gordon's coded agenda set out in his foreword to the Cabinet's annual report to the comrades. There can be no doubt that I am 'poor' in comparison with Frank, and as Labour tell us it's relative poverty that counts, not absolute poverty.
Now, there may be some of you right-wing reactionaries who would claim that Frank earns his money on merit; that his skills and ability deserve the enhanced reward he gets. The fact that I'm crap at soccer, smoke on the pitch and keep a bottle of Bordeaux on the sideline really shouldn't make a difference. It's down to his unfair advantage. He was born into a privileged football family; his father used to play for West Ham. If my father had played for West Ham, no doubt I'd enjoy Frank's unfair advantage. He was encouraged to train and hone his skills, spend time practicing, whilst I was let down by a society that forced me to study for exams and degrees instead. A party truly committed to equality would tie his bootlaces together, put us both on the pitch and see who comes out best then.
As Harriet said, Frank's grossly unfair earnings advantage won't help make 'a peaceful society and a strong economy'. Sorry, Frank - it's my socialist right to be given the same wage as you. Pass the champagne, mate.