Thursday, 11 September 2008

I'd like equality with Frank Lampard, please

Hooray for Harriet! Her speech to the comrades has given me new hope and yes, reader, I may even vote Labour at the next election if Harriet can guarantee to keep her promise. You see, I think it's unutterably unfair that I don't earn the same wage as Frank Lampard. His earnings of £150,000 a week should, by rights, be mine too. Harriet's pledge for Labour to 'close the gap' between the rich and poor, to force financial equality onto the nation, echoes Gordon's coded agenda set out in his foreword to the Cabinet's annual report to the comrades. There can be no doubt that I am 'poor' in comparison with Frank, and as Labour tell us it's relative poverty that counts, not absolute poverty.

Now, there may be some of you right-wing reactionaries who would claim that Frank earns his money on merit; that his skills and ability deserve the enhanced reward he gets. The fact that I'm crap at soccer, smoke on the pitch and keep a bottle of Bordeaux on the sideline really shouldn't make a difference. It's down to his unfair advantage. He was born into a privileged football family; his father used to play for West Ham. If my father had played for West Ham, no doubt I'd enjoy Frank's unfair advantage. He was encouraged to train and hone his skills, spend time practicing, whilst I was let down by a society that forced me to study for exams and degrees instead. A party truly committed to equality would tie his bootlaces together, put us both on the pitch and see who comes out best then.

As Harriet said, Frank's grossly unfair earnings advantage won't help make 'a peaceful society and a strong economy'. Sorry, Frank - it's my socialist right to be given the same wage as you. Pass the champagne, mate.

10 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

I would be fairly happy to have income equality with Harriet Harman!

Lilith said...

Fantastic idea R. I think the government is onto a winner with this one. Let's get the struggling dole crowd hating the struggling middle class crowd. Then the people can turn their bitterness on each other rather than Gordon Brown.

Hilarious especially as Harman is a genuine Toff. Perhaps she has forgotten that most middle class families were working class two or three generations ago.

I would like pension parity with Michael Martin. That'd be fair.

patently said...

If they really believed in equality, why do they continue the surey outdated and divisive tradition of paying Ministers more than MPs? And, of course, paying the PM more than other Ministers?

Surely this is not only a prime example of unfairness in action, but also one where the Government can take swift and decisive action?

William Gruff said...

Batty Hattie is right: income inequality is simply not fair but, as Gruff Pater used often to intone 'life is unfair, get used to it' and there is no reason why it should be otherwise. Those who cannot earn a profit for themselves must earn one for someone else and the amount they will be paid for doing so will depend upon the profit they can generate. I write as one formerly profitably self-employed now working his arse off for the national minimum wage. Should I ever be self-employed again, which I 'earnestly desire', I do not expect to pay over to the government half my income for the support of the indolent or (professionally) incompetent.

Newmania said...

Ha , excellent , Frank Lampard is a Conservative by the way , one of the few people in the non political media spotlight who own up. Sadly he is not as good as Gerrard amd you cannot have both , but I digress. I notice class is everywhere Crewe, Toynbee and now Harman all on the same page .
Harold Wilson , I read , was very effective with a bitter class based campaign but the problem for Labour is that the people who feel they are attacked by class rhetoric outnumber the people who are enraged .My suspicion therefore is that this represents a retreat into the strongholds and an admission that the marginal seats required for GE victory are lost. Its a scorched earth survival strategy and as such slightly encouraging

Great post R blog stardom surely beckons on current form

Anonymous said...

I can't stand football. I had to google Frank Lampard to see who the fuck he was. I have no idea why the game is such big busines...

...but it is a business and, as such, its subject to the market. While I personally do not value Lampard's skills, plenty of others do and they pay handsome sums of money to him. So more power to the man.

This is what Labour doesn't understand when they whine about "excessive salaries" - unless you're a bank robber, you get your salary through negotiation; you get it because you convince someone that your skills are valuable enough to pay for. If someone pays you £100,000 p.a., it's because they think you can make them £300,000 p.a.. It's the market at work and interference from the state can achieve nothing but to drive high-earning achievers (and their taxes) abroad.

So, there you have it: football is a load of old wank and I think you'd have to be mental to spend 90 minutes watching a bunch of neds kick a leather ball around a field.....but if you're happy to pay them for the pleasure, that's between you and them and no-one else, and that's the same argument, amigos, that applies to all business endeavours. Absent fraud or criminality, the state has no business getting involved in our business.

The Great Simpleton said...

This fairness stuff would be fine if the aim of socialists was to make you as rich as Frank Lampard, but is not. What they rally mean is that FL should be as poor as you, and then both of you should be as poor as, say, the hamburger flipper in your nearest restaurant.

Only then will life be fair.

Of course in the immortal words of Orwell, some will be fairer than others and politicians, especially ministers, will continue to be paid what they believe is their true worth.

Anonymous said...

Surely Harriet the Harpy was only calling for MP's wages to be cut to the national average, and fair treatment of MP's expense claims - taxable benefits at the rates allowed by the IR to business, and basic hotel accommodation or a one-off resettlement payment if they relocate to their new job in London.

dr fuckwit said...

I think the best way of introducing a truly fair society would be for scientists to reduce the human race to amoeba or plankton. This would stop the class war unless of cours plankton have there own hierarchy in which case it would be back to the drawing board.

Maybe God intended us to be different. Perhaps Harriet should be addressing her tirade to the Almighty.

Anonymous said...

I think I have spotted the flaw in your voting policy:-

"I may even vote Labour at the next election if Harriet can guarantee to keep her promise."

Its in the words "keep her promise"

The odds of that are on a par with a lottery win.