Friday, 26 December 2008

Gauntlets can tame the bane of fruit injuries


I am grateful for Hugo Rifkind's piece in the Times today decrying the Nanny culture for reminding me what an excellent database is provided by ROSPA; it details in pedantic exactitude the injuries suffered each year by our fellow citizens of sufficient seriousness to land them in Accident & Emergency.

Food strikes me as being particularly dangerous. Each year 9,835 of us are injured by fish; piscean hazard is eclipsed only by injuries from meat and poultry, which land 10,912 of us in casualty each year. For those of you who imagine Vegetarianism might provide for a lower-risk life, think again. Over 1,000 of us each year are wounded by cheese; nuts seriously injure another 1,289 of us and even eggs account for 612 injuries a year. Cakes (including scones) are in contrast amongst the safest of foods, causing only an annual 567 casualties.

However, in the premier league of dangerous food lurks deadly fruit, causing some 6,355 serious injuries each year. ROSPA provide an analysis of the body parts injured by fruit as follows;

Head / face - 1,115
Neck / throat - 511
Thorax / chest - 98
Lower trunk - 558
Arm(s) - 3,193
Leg(s) - 808
Whole body - 18
Unspecified body part - 54

This tragic toll, this lethal carnage is unnecessary. Firstly, we must protect our children; fruit should be banned from schools immediately. Secondly, supermarkets must institute controls to prevent those under 18 years old from buying or handling fruit. Thirdly, councils must employ Fruit Advice Outreach Workers to assist those at risk of fruit injuries, particularly the elderly and disadvantaged.

And finally, a mass public information campaign to advise on protective equipment to be used to minimise risk to the most vulnerable body parts; as a minimum, a kevlar reinforced mask and gauntlets must be used at all times when handling, transporting, preparing or consuming fruit. Backed up with a comprehensive system of fines, regulation and enforcement, we can eliminate the serious harm caused by fruit by 2011.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am a doctor. We just removed an apple from a man's arse.

Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

cake ruined my life

Anonymous said...

i liek cake

Mac the Knife said...

"I am a doctor. We just removed an apple from a man's arse."

Congratulations. Are you sure he wanted you to?

Raeders:

You omitted the most important action possible, to wit:

Consumption of fruit in public places must be banned immediately, and 'fruiters' as they are known, consigned to special purpose-built fruiting shelters where their lethal habit can't impact on non-fruiters. End the menace of passive fruiting! Action now! This is for the chiiiiiiiilllllldreeeenn!™®©

PS Happy New Year to you, yours and Raedmog.

Anonymous said...

An apple is far from the worst thing you might have to remove from a man's arse.

Google "one man, one jar" with quotation marks and you'll see what I mean.