Monday, 20 July 2009

Memo to Damian McBride: Comeback Strategy

D -

It will be pushing things to get you back into the fold in time for the 2010 election, but here's the strategy we've come up with;

1. A public mea culpa, preferably on Radio 4's 'Woman's Hour'. Abject contriteness is the tone here, you can't believe you could have been so stupid etc.
2. We've found you a spot working with young black offenders in Newham; don't worry, won't be for long - just until we've arranged to 'leak' it to the Mirror.
3. A serious comment piece from you in the Telegraph; Damascene conversion stuff, how politics must turn its back on spin and media manipulation etc.
4. Get married - I attach photos of researchers at HQ who would be suitable and are willing - and spend a fortnight at Shrublands to get rid of the varicose nose veins etc. and lose a couple of stone. Lot's of publicity pics of New You to allow the rags to do 'before and after' things.
5. We've pencilled your peerage announcement in for the New Year's list; Peter's happy to take you under his wing. Don't worry - Gordon's agreed to Cherie's nagging for a hereditary earldom for Tony for the same list, so you will be 'lost' newswise.

We've also arranged a summer break for you - a 'working' holiday on a Cornish donkey sanctuary. A few miles from Padstow, so most of the cabinet will have the opportunity to lunch with you and discuss tactics.

Yours ever -

5 comments:

banned said...

Memo is presumably from Lord Prime Mister Mandelson ?

#4) I expect that you know that Shrublands is a real rehab centre in Torquay.

Shrublands Rehab

It covers all sorts of things "...groupwork, Hepatitis B vaccinations, Hepatitis C and HIV testing, harm minimisation, relapse prevention,..." but does not mention varicose nose veins.

Anonymous said...

Oh God, Mr. R. you know that really is only slightly too far-fetched.

Reality trumps satire so often these days, that one fears what may happen next.

As for TB's earldom, after they gave a peerage to Gorbals Mick I suppose anything is possible.

I think you may just have spoiled my morning.

Henry Crun said...

I heard about McBride's interview on the radio this morning and thought exactly the same thing...NuLab preparing us for his rehabilitation and reseating at Gordoom's right hand.

Bill Quango MP said...

Just too close to reality to be chuckled at. Felt the finger of terror touch my shoulder on reading that very plausible memo.

Prodicus said...

I missed the McBride interview. I was going to listen but then I thought, 'Sod it.'