Thursday, 17 December 2009

Liam Donaldson's obsessive compulsion

There is something a bit mentalist about Donaldson's obsession with stopping other people drinking alcohol; I remember years ago there used to be a nutter who hung about outside the old 'Mirror' in Fetter Lane who took the same attitude to protein. And yes, it is a personal obsession - not just a man trying to prove he's doing his job diligently in advance of being made redundant. As the BBC reports;
He said that he would be able to "shout louder" about his suggestion for a 50p minimum price for alcohol - rejected by Prime Minister Gordon Brown - after he steps down next year.
Perhaps Donaldson could kit himself out with the Protein Man's sandwich boards and position himself outside the Murdoch works in Wapping. Or perhaps take up residence in a scrappy tent opposite Parliament. Or perhaps he could do us all a favour and throw himself under the hooves of the Queen's horse at Aintree.

You see, I'll bet that 20m middle class parents know better how to raise their children than some wild-eyed mentalist who's been given a government job by mistake. In the US the beer is so weak that it resembles nothing more than the 'small beer' that, until a couple of centuries ago, everyone in England from infants to crones used to drink instead of water, and US youngsters aren't even allowed to drink that until they're 21. It's impossible to binge drink in the US; human organs explode in a fizzy welter of weak beer long before intoxication sets in. So the septics must be incredibly healthy and long-lived, no?

No. The Economist recently illustrated an article that showed that although the US spends 16% of GDP on health compared with the UK's 7%, our respective life expectancies at 65 are almost exactly the same. And they don't drink. One could almost hypothesise that our superior level of alcohol intake confers health benefits worth 9% of GDP.

The one consolation with cranks like Donaldson is that they can quickly take up novel obsessions; perhaps convincing the French that eating cheese is bad, or advocating the health benefits of the German habit of walking about naked once you reach forty years of age. Perhaps all of these together; a shrill, naked little man prancing about opposite Parliament waving a 'No cheese, No wine' placard. That will get you taken seriously, Liam.

6 comments:

Kemi said...

You really made me smile with this one. Thanks.

Curmudgeon said...

Very good piece, which I'll link to later on my blog. Just one quibble, though – the last thing Sir Liam is is a "little man". In fact he is noted for being, in his own terms, clinically obese. He may, of course, be "little" in the manhood department.

talwin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
talwin said...

Hear, hear, Raedwald.

Dick Puddlecote said...

"Or perhaps he could do us all a favour and throw himself under the hooves of the Queen's horse at Aintree"

You've been wire-tapping my dreams again, haven't you?

manwiddicombe said...

Or perhaps he could do us all a favour and throw himself under the hooves of the Queen's horse at Aintree.

It's hardly the horses' fault, is it?