Monday, 2 August 2010

Lagos School of Scamming

The process for settling in the UK from Nigeria is simples.

1. First, buy your entry qualifications. These are available around Lagos priced from Naira 2,000 for an Elementary School Certificate to Naira 15,000 for a Baccalaureate

2. Second, book your course. Suitable colleges include The Temples School of Law and Business, 4-6 Bevin Parade, Neasden; International Imperial School of Business, Bank Chambers, High Street Hammersmith; Westminster Business College, 67a Catford Broadway, Catford (above the nail and tanning salon)

3. Apply to UK Immigration using the new non-refusal student visa system. Don't forget to include your wife and 1-year old as your dependents. If you don't have a wife and 1-year old, these may be leased on reasonable terms.

4. Once in London, rent a room from Moses Adegoye immediately. He will throw you out after three weeks for a payment of Naira 10,000. You are now unintentionally homeless and have the right to priority social housing.

5. Once you have your Housing Association flat, get on the Electoral Register immediately. This will enable you to open bank accounts, get credit from 'Crazy George' and Argos etc. Also register with a local GP; your wife should be in the early stages of her second pregnancy by now.

6. You can now either return to your post with the Nigerian National Corruption Corporation, leaving your wife in the best medical care, or take a job in the UK. The easiest way to realise an income stream is to sub-let your social housing for £800/month and move back to Moses Adegoye for three weeks using your other name and ID, then apply for more social housing (In a different borough to the first, of course!) once he makes you unintentionally homeless. A heavily pregnant wife / new born infant will really speed your application here.

7. Remember, the British are very generous and think it rude to ask questions such as 'what's your immigration status?'. They never count anyone out any more, so have no idea who's there or not. The NHS don't talk to the immigration department or the Housing Association or the National Insurance centre, the Housing department don't talk to the immigration department and the Electoral Register department don't talk to nobody and the whole confused bureaucracy uses hundreds of different computer systems, none of which can talk to eachother. It could have been invented by a Nigerian.

8. Right, that's lesson one. Naira 10,000 please. Next time: Housing and welfare benefits.

1 comment:

Gordon the Fence Post Tortoise said...

You missed the alternative route - bribe an official at the Embassy / High Commission. Talking drums down here say plenty UK Foreign Office penpushers caught and sent packing clutching wads of notes - it's the preferred route for "well to do" Nigerians - all hush-hush though for Britpress