"Yes Mr Brown; I'm sorry I missed all your previous calls. It's the Yam harvest haha and the people expect one, you know .."
"Look, I'm ready to fly out and fix your economy. First we need to increase taxes for everyone who owns more than three goats, and send the army in to dig up those silver Maria Theresas they've got buried under their hearths for retirement, then we can sell your mineral reserves off to the Chinese, introduce a new market stallholders tax, charge 30% duty on home-brewed Millet beer and seize all cars under three years old in private ownership and sell them to Yemen ..."
"But why? What will we do with all the extra money? Presuming the people don't storm the palace and saw my head off first .."
"Then we can make the people healthier. It's the right thing to do. Look, your life expectancy is just 38 years and half the people have limiting long term sicknesses. We can employ healthy lifestyle co-ordinators to get them walking more, for instance .."
"But our people are starving; 20% already have to walk six miles a day to get clean water"
"Salad. Salad's the answer. We'll give a free salad to every child and mother. Lettuce. Cucumber. Tomato. We'll fly the salad in from Holland. We'll employ Salad Officers with powers to force-feed Celery to delinquent children"
"Mr Brown, you must excuse me ... pressures of State, you understand .."
"No! No! Don't hang up please, listen, we can install CCTV cameras in every Kraal .. Damn! Operator? This is Gordon Brown. Get me the President of, let me see, Mali please ..."