Monday, 27 September 2010

Lady Toynbee's advice for Edward

Lady Toynbee writes an 'Open Letter' in the Grauniad today to young Master Edward (um, an article written by a journalist for her own paper is usually termed a 'column', dear) in which she advises;


- Gag the Press
A free press will always be the enemy of Socialism. You must find ways of muting the voice of the media, corrupting it or pouring State money into countervailing publications.


- Silence your critics by bringing them into the Politburo
Next to the press, your main enemies are the 'moderates' in the Party and social democrats outside the Party. Neutralise them with gifts of status and well remunerated posts and make them part of the Politburo's collective decision making


- Don't worry about public opinion
We can suppress outright dissent and protest with new Defence of the State laws, close down the internet and isolate dangerous right-wing elements for long enough for the New Plan to become embedded and the Party in control of every facet of life in Britain, so don't worry about public opinion


- Don't blow your own trumpet
The Party will do this far better on your behalf; a facade of modest, unassuming mien will allow the Party's publicity machine to heap all praise on the great and wise and modest Leader to greater effect


- Make sure you divide the classes
Tell our client voters that their money comes from us taking it from the middle classes by force; don't try to disguise this. We want their hearts and their balls.


- Soak income
Don't pussy around with disguising taxes. Soak incomes, do so shamelessly. Only a 90% top rate and a 50% rate for anything over £36k will work.


- Let Apparatchiks do the technical stuff
Your ministers will be chosen because they perform well in public, like seals, and don't scare the clients. They won't be clever or be expected to master the complexities of governance, so leave this to the trained Party Apparatchiks we will place in top positions in management and civil service roles


- The Party's old ways are best
Never be tempted to deviate from the established Party line for the sake of appearing 'modern' and 'with it'. The Party is ageless, and it's policies are for the good of all obedient citizens.


- Buy-off the doctors and teachers
Buy off the doctors and teachers; the ignorant populace still accord outdated regard for their opinions, so make sure they praise the Party's methods.


- Capture their souls early
Children should be indoctrinated with the wisdom of Socialism by the age of seven; a successful campaign for the souls of the country must be long-termist. Recidivist adults must be eliminated if they prove disruptive.


- Don't jail the criminals, recruit them
Most criminals are from our natural client class, so don't fill the jails with them. Instead, bring them into the fold of the Party with rewards and tight supervision until they become wholly rehabilitated as loyal 'street muscle'


- The City needs a club, not a massage
Don't pander to the City - intimidate it. The threat of extradition on trumped up charges, or imprisonment and seizure of goods and homes here, will cow the financiers into disgorging their gold to the Party


- Create State employment
Channel taxes into creating State jobs erecting windmills, insulating garden sheds and carbon-hunting. It won't make a groat's worth of difference to the environment, but will reward the Party faithful.


- Don't allow the middle class to become wealthy
If house values begin to grow, seize the value for the Party with a land value tax. The combination of penal income tax and land value tax will ensure this class never again challenges again the supremacy of the Party


- Reverse reforms to the voting system
Introduce a new voting system that will still bring the Party victory with only 25% of the popular vote. Abolish the counter-revolutionary cancer that is the so-called House of Peers.


- Hide tribute to the Party
Many rich oligarchs will wish to make tribute to the Party. This is for the good of the people, but is not always well understood, so such gifts must be hidden and disguised.


- Capture their souls early, again
I can't stress how important this is. They must know that the Party feeds, cloths and shelters them by the age of five.


- Abolish religion
Recruit fashionable atheists, give them plenty of air time and column inches. Use the security services to discredit religious leaders and vicars; place all choirboys on the 'at risk' register etc. Next to the middle classes, the churches are the Party's greatest threat


- Only fight wars for political reasons
Military victories by the Party help win national morale and support, but pick your wars carefully


- Sell arms to fraternal Socialist regimes
Make sure that British weapons and weapons systems are supplied to all supportive international Socialist struggles


- The Party and the Nation are one
Don't try to force it. The Party and Britain will become fused in the minds of the people over time.


- Don't forget the BBC, museums and the arts sector
To complement our 'hard' presence and suppression of the free press, the staffing of these 'soft' institutions with faithful Party apparatchiks will help ensure we hold the hearts and minds of the people


- Do remember
Your success will be judged when our client class fill the west-end theatres and restaurants, and the enemy class are cowed at home squatting over their one-bar electric fires. This will take relentlessly hard work.


- Finally
This is our last chance to seize the nation for the Party. We must be bold and ruthless. No more Mr Nice Guy.  

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ah the gospel according to St Polly, all will bow and recognise the 'enlightened one', what next?
A rewriting of the Ten commandments?.......A treatise on her perceived: 'New World Order' perhaps?

AND, Socialism is good (everything else = bad and nasty), trouble is Polly, Socialism cannot exist on its own, it needs money.......It needs Capitalism, now go and put the kettle on there's a luv.

talwin said...

All this seems familiar. Hasn't it been going on incrementally since 1997?

Manganese said...

Ah yes...gag the press but, unsurprisingly, celebrate the BBC. That confirms what we all know about the impartiality of the BBC...it leans so far to the left it leaves the Leaning Tower of Pisa feeling somewhat inadequate.

Budgie said...

Yes, the BBC has predictably been drooling over Saint Ed. One could say it's only the second coming because St Obama got there first, but to the BBC St Ed is not second best. You have to laugh at the BBC - they don't know they're doing it.

(first posted on C@W)

Anonymous said...

Talwin is spot on. All of this has indeed been going on since 1997. Remember the parliamentary press office? No? I don't blame you - it was abolished as soon as Labour got to power and was replaced by "spin doctors". The rest we know about, and it is going to take an age and a half to untangle the mess that Labour deliberately wound into our nation.

Coney Island

English Pensioner said...

Isn't she describing North Korea?

But thinking about it, its the sort of thing that I might write when I being facetious! Surely you're having us on.

Tufty said...

Polly says :-

'invest in British-built wind farms, in home insulation and carbon capture.'

It's a good test of stupidity isn't it? Three ideas in one sentence - which two are the duds?

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