7.10 Labour Safety Tsar gives bonfire night guidance:
- If children under 12 are given sparklers, stand them in a wheely bin half-full of water first
- Only six people in the entire country are qualified to operate fireworks safely, so don't attempt to ignite your own rocket or you'll die
- Make sure spectators are at a safe distance - 300m for a 'banger', two miles for a 'starburst'
- All domestic pets should be euthanised beforehand to prevent stress
- Only timber from FSC certified sustainable sources should be used
- Burning tyres and old pallets will kill your grandchildren and cause global warming
- Any fire bigger than a fist should be attended by a Fire Brigade appliance
- Labour's Bonfire Licencing scheme is due to come into force from 2010, outlawing illegal and dangerous bonfires. Only six people in the country are qualified to light bonfires.
In the absence of this vital safety advice through the BBC, I expect we will all succeed in immolating ourselves this evening, and the journalists will have made their point. Or not.