"Mr Devine? We have good news and bad news ... OK, bad news first then. You'll appear in court with Chaytor and Morley - all Labour lads together, eh? - in February of next year charged with theft and false accounting. I wouldn't discount a custodial sentence. Oh, and you might have to use a legal aid solicitor or 'trainee' as we call them, from now on. Since you haven't paid Marion a penny of her £35k Tribunal compensation, she's putting a charge on your Scottish house and planning to raid the Commons resettlement grant - your redundancy wedge - that the House is still holding. So your plans to use these to pay your legal bills is screwed."
"On the up side, if you do get a custodial sentence the chances are you'll be able to serve your time in a Scottish prison; that means a new LCD telly in your cell with all the Freeview channels enabled, including the late-night porn. Let's just hope your cell-mate doesn't want to watch the gay channel, eh?"