Then there was the social worker mass hysteria about childrens' anuses (or should that be anii?) after a Cleveland social worker reported that the reflex dilation of the anal sphincter when touched was a positive indication of the child having been buggered. All over Britain, hysterical social workers prodded at childrens' bottoms with their biros, snatching into care thousands of kids whose sphincters dilated, in a modern version of witch-pricking. Until someone who was actually medically qualified pronounced the whole thing as nonsense.
Now we have a new outbreak of social-worker hysteria reported in the Guardian today; they report that boys and girls exhibited scratches and bruises when observed changing after playing football and hockey, and that this is firm evidence of sexual abuse by their parents. They say 20% of all British children are being used as sex-slaves by their parents or guardians, and some children who fail to attend school may actually have been eaten. Experienced social workers across the country are nodding sagely and muttering 'Thought so' as they prepare a new wave of
Scientists are unsure why these sporadic hysterical outbreaks occur; some have suggested ergotamine poisoning from eating rogue Ryvita, or an excess of bioactive yoghurt, but evidence is inconclusive. One thing we can be sure of is that we're going to have to protect our children from these poor deluded creatures whilst this latest bout of madness lasts.