Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Mass hysteria outbreaks amongst social workers

Mass outbreaks of hysteria amongst social workers are nothing new. You'll recall the nationwide panic about Satanic Ritual Abuse, sparked when an Orkney social worker found an 'Omen' video and a celtic cross in client's home and went on to extract a confession from their child that yes, mummy and daddy did sometimes wear funny dressing gowns. Suddenly millions of kids were at risk, and social workers across Britain extracted false-memory confessions of thousands having attended black masses, or at least having seen mummy light her aromatherapy candles and daddy prepare lunch, which to your average hysterical social worker is much the same thing ("So when your daddy was sacrificing the chicken did he say anything?" "Yes - he said I can't get these sodding frozen giblets out")  


Then there was the social worker mass hysteria about childrens' anuses (or should that be anii?) after a Cleveland social worker reported that the reflex dilation of the anal sphincter when touched was a positive indication of the child having been buggered. All over Britain, hysterical social workers prodded at childrens' bottoms with their biros, snatching into care thousands of kids whose sphincters dilated, in a modern version of witch-pricking. Until someone who was actually medically qualified pronounced the whole thing as nonsense.


Now we have a new outbreak of social-worker hysteria reported in the Guardian today; they report that boys and girls exhibited scratches and bruises when observed changing after playing football and hockey, and that this is firm evidence of sexual abuse by their parents. They say 20% of all British children are being used as sex-slaves by their parents or guardians, and some children who fail to attend school may actually have been eaten. Experienced social workers across the country are nodding sagely and muttering 'Thought so' as they prepare a new wave of detention care orders and practice swinging their door-battering rams. 


Scientists are unsure why these sporadic hysterical outbreaks occur; some have suggested ergotamine poisoning from eating rogue Ryvita, or an excess of bioactive yoghurt, but evidence is inconclusive. One thing we can be sure of is that we're going to have to protect our children from these poor deluded creatures whilst this latest bout of madness lasts. 

12 comments:

Henry Crun said...

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None. They just set up a support group "Coping with darkness"

Anonymous said...

I am so so glad I do not have children.
It must be an absoloute nightmare being a parent nowadays with the thought police SS looking to create more "clients" to justify their positions.
Labour did indeed leave an animal farm legacy.

Anonymous said...

Anon above: that's one of the reasons we left the UK before starting a family - we now have a healthy happy nearly-two-year-old girl who has not had ANY interference from any authority whatsoever and lots of interaction with nearly every person in the small village we chose to move to.

She's only ever been to a doctor once (apart from her shots) for a minor dog bite that the dog's owner paid for...

I could not imagine bringing up a child in the UK.

JuliaM said...

"The study defined "severe maltreatment" across a wide range of measures. It included young people who had been subject to rape, attempted rape, forced sexual contact, sexual abuse, physical harm such as a black eye and being hit with a weapon."

Yup, reasonable people would conclude that this is indeed ‘severe maltreatment’, as the BBC article carrying water for the charity survey screams.

But most reasonable people wouldn’t agree that this falls into that definition:

"But it also included "serious emotional neglect or lack of physical care or supervision", which it defined as including "parents never or hardly ever asking their child who they were going out with or where or what they were doing"."

We've no idea how many fall into the latter category, and how many the former.

The Devil is certainly in the details, if not prancing round the Orkneys...

Anonymous said...

the SS (social services) should be reminded, from time to time, of the fact that they are not bulletproof.

talwin said...

It's a miracle to me that parents nowadays are able, without fear of some sort of ghastly accusation, to,
a) change a baby's nappy, or, thereafter,
b) effect the move from potty training to use of a toilet.

Perhaps it's just that no bright spark from social services has picked up yet on this rich field of opportunity.

Seriously.

Anonymous said...

I know a teacher who was made unemployable after her daughter was put on the at risk register. The reason: the daughter did not have a wardrobe in her bedroom.

Bill Sticker said...

Any respect I had for Social Workers died when doing support work for their offices some years ago. To see them in both their light and shadow can be quite disturbing.

If they all disappeared tomorrow, few would really suffer as a result. Might even force a number of people to finally grow up.

Anonymous said...

Mass hysteria has always been common in largely female groups.

Ed P said...

Social workers live in a parallel universe, where words have very different meanings. I've managed to communicate with some of these Stepford husks, but found they do not care for any of my suggestions for a smaller state - to them you're criticising their god/leader!

nisakiman said...

Thank heavens mine are all adults now.

It was bad enough more than 30 years ago when I had dealings with them as a single father. They really are a breed apart.

Anonymous said...

There's something else as well. Easy targets. You see, violent "sink estates" and such like are either no-go areas for SS or they work up reasons why these poor underprivileged individuals have the right to barmy excuses - read into any child death by violent treatment and drug abuse.

No, the easy (soft) targets are the so-called middle classes who generally know and obey the rules and laws; but don't understand how to put up a fight when the fight comes with a knock at the door.

"There, told you we were tough" says the SS.

Coney Island