There were tears today as the Arts Council took the tough decision to stop funding the talentless. Jessica Smythe, 19, complained "This is so unfair. I'm going to run up a £40k bill getting my performing arts degree and even though I can't sing, dance, act or mime there was always a place for me and people like me in the unknown micro-companies supported by the State; where will the talentless go now? What will they do? I'm not forking out £40k to end up working a till at Tesco!"
A spokesperson for 'Dishrag', an arts project based in Balham, said "We're the only organisation in London that enables the severely physically un-coordinated to drum; we've supplied drummers to some of the least successful indie bands in London. What will percussion musicians who have no sense of beat or rhythm do now?"
Artistes Agent Wentworth Pyle, 53, also mourned the cuts. "I mean, even the 'Bill' has gone now. We always used to get three extras slots a year for our more talentless, er, talent, playing corpses and the like. A credit for the 'Bill' on your CV was a rite of passage for many talentless artistes."
A spokesman for the ICA, which has had its grant cut by 46% said "I knew it was a mistake asking Theresa May to open 'Piss Awful', our recent major retrospective for artists who work exclusively in the medium of their own urine. Now we may have to move from our prestige site on the Mall to somewhere in Haringey ... "