Monday, 16 May 2011

What a crock from Cameron

"Oh God, not in the face or the balls" is the real soldier's prayer. Unfortunately, the nature of today's weapons mean that maxillofacial injuries are surprisingly common; the heat from a high velocity projectile alone is enough to melt the fat under the facial skin like wax, and the part of the body most necessarily exposed in battle is the head. 

Which is no doubt why Cameron has chosen, along with the coloured wristband and free Oyster card I predicted HERE, to announce that the British compact with its armed forces will consist of ... enhanced IVF treatment for soldiers injured in the balls.

The conversation between Liam Fox and his Mandarin must have gone something like:

"So what about a dedicated Maxillofacial injuries unit?"
"Not a good idea, Minister. Corrective surgery takes many years at huge cost. Best to lose such obligations amongst general NHS rationing"
"So what about psychiatric care? Surely we can offer that?"
"Again, Minister, an enormous cost and an open ended commitment. Definitely not recommended."
"So what enhanced medical care can we afford?"  
"IVF is a good choice, Minister. For troops who have suffered genital injuries"
"How so, Humphrey?"
"Only 36 servicemen have suffered severe genital injuries in the last two years. Most of them are unmarried. Half of the rest don't want children, so we calculate that only six will take up the IVF offer. We can do it for £100k a year." 
"Excellent work, Humphrey."


DC said...

Is that figure of 36 a fact? Seems very low to me. Last summer when I was out there there must have been 2-3 catastrophic amputations per week, most of whom suffer some damage to the genital area. That's why frontline troops now have the option of reinforced underwear.

Raedwald said...

The figure was plucked out of the air, DC, but I feel an FOI request coming on about this.

DC said...

Fair enough - it's not something that most of the injured are comfortable talking about. Be interesting to see if you get a response.