With his recent purchase of a £12.5m mansion in Chelsea, Peter Mandelson has claimed victory over Cherie Blair in their long-running and frequently bitter house-owning competition. "Cherie owns more" said a source close to Mr Mandelson "but Peter's are bigger. And in better taste. Hers are cramped and a bit suburban". It is understood that Mandelson is also providing a luxurious 'State Bedroom' in his Chelsea home for former Prime Minister Tony Blair that trumps the bedrooms that Cherie has decorated in the couple's own Connaught Square terrace and Palladian country cottage. He has also acquired a new pet; "Peter's got a cat. We think it's to keep Cherie away; she absolutely can't stand them, and had that poor Downing Street moggie killed by the SAS."
Mr Blair himself is abroad this weekend, receiving the Gold Medal for International Humanity from the president of Tashkentistan in a lavish award ceremony that was scheduled to include several condemned criminals being boiled alive in butter, Tashkentistan's traditional method of execution. Mr Blair is said to have asked for the executions to be brought forward ahead of his visit because of a butter allergy.