Thursday, 16 February 2012

Drunks support 72,000 nurses

Along with the 'Wales' the 'London Bus' and the 'Football Pitch', the 'Nurse' is a standard unit of measurement well understood by the newspaper reading public (as in 'An area the size of Wales is to be covered with wind towers each the height of six London Buses and with a sail area of 0.3 Football pitches; each is equivalent to the costs of 14.7 Nurses'). You see, the headline news that drunks cost the NHS £2.7bn a year means absolutely nothing to most people. Now let's make sense of it.

Some 80% of NHS costs are salaries and wages, so some £2.16bn of the annual drunk cost. An average Nurse is £30k a year, so the UK's socially responsible and altruistic drunks actually directly support the employment of some 72,000 out of the country's 400,000 nurses. What's more, with government income from Spirit duties at £2.3bn, Wine duties at £2.9bn and beer and cider duties at £3.4bn, some £8.6bn, they're paying not only for these 72,000 nurses but another 215,000 of the remaining 328,000. In fact, without the support of the county's drunks, the NHS would collapse.

Drinkers of Britain, this blog praises your sterling and selfless efforts for the care and well being of your fellow Britons. My you never stint in your duty to quaff, may you never refuse just one more and may you never flee from a round. You are the backbone of the realm.


G. Tingey said...

Speaking as a life member of CAMRA, the whole thing is a load of complete bollocks.
It's the "Safe limits" nonsesne again, isn't it.
As a trained engineer/scientist, I too, have noticed that these so-called "limits" have no basis in fact, experiment or observation AT ALL.
Stuff the puritans.

Weekend Yachtsman said...

One rarely gets the chance to see such carefully prepared sarcasm.

(H/T Lucy van Pelt ca. 1959)

Also the best explanation of the "Broken Windows" fallacy that I've seen in quite a while.

Thank you R.

cuffleyburgers said...


Anonymous said...

Greg, you have a lot to be thankful for. If it wasn't for Scottish & Newcastle, Inbev, Coors and Carlson, there would be no CAMRA. If the big 4 hadn't started churning [sic] out the homogenised crap that they do, the 760-odd microbreweries would not have sprung up and the campaign for real ale would never have been a requirement from the drinking public. Lets hope that the big 4 never decide to move into brewing nice tasting British ales.

Coney Island

Demetrius said...

Back in the 1950's I recall, there was a student joke about how far you would get if 100 nurses were laid end to end.

G. Tingey said...

Actually it's even worse than that.
The "Big" brewers CAN brew decent stuff - but they can't usually be arsed.
GK used to make a beutiful dark mild ...
Snottish & Spewcastle STILL make a beautiful dry strong ale, Number 7, which can only be bought OUTSIDE the UK.

"If all the women in the world were laid end to end ... I wouldn't be the least bit suprised"
Yeah, any more golden oldies?

Anonymous said...

Superb post Raedwald.

Anonymous said...

G. Tingey: "Anonymous"

Clearly, Coney Island.