Monday, 16 July 2012

Your VIP Itinerary - Monday 16th

Hi and Welcome to the UK! We are going to make this a trip you will never forget, a magical experience in the hands of London's friendliest people! Here's your itinerary for today:-

13.00     Arrive London Heathrow. Deplane via red-carpet to
13.15     Arrive at Immigration Hall for entry clearance,
19.30     Nearly at the front of the queue, now; be patient
21.30     Clear Immigration; clean Vaseline from your bottom and remove rubber glove accidentally left in rectum
21.45     Board coach for VIP trip to Central London hotel
22.00     Zil Lane on M4 returns to normal traffic. Speed reduced to average of 8mph. 
23.30     Coach manages to park just 300m from hotel; no porters available
23.45     Arrive at check-in sweating and rumpled with a wheel missing from your case
24.00     Kitchens are closed but night-porter offers to get you a microwaved Cornish Pasty from the filling station round the corner for £10

8 comments:

right_writes said...

Very funny Raedwald...

But here is the problem... It won't be the participants that suffer, that exquisite line in pain and frustration has been reserved for those that are paying for it.

If you know that piece of road that runs between Eltham and Bow (A102), at best probably the most congested piece of road in the country... Well that runs past the "Olympic Park", and so TPTB have shut one out of the (mainly) two lanes. I am just waiting for the first real human to suddenly blow a gasket and drive straight into one and for the rest of normal humanity to follow.

They have thought of all the sorts of chaos that some sort of external attack might cause and deployed the required nuclear missiles and SAS units...

All it will take will be just one brave/frustrated motorist who needs to go about his business.

G. Tingey said...

I sincerely hope it IS that bad for olympic visitors.
Moronic fascists, the lot of them.

Thinking out loud said...

If Mark, Len and Bob call the lads out on strike for the duration, the queues might stretch all the way back to Dover. Now there's a thought.

Ian Hills said...

I can picture road traffic, even in the Zil lane, slowing to a crawl as the first explosions go off.

Bill Sticker said...

Raedwald; I have one major issue with you post. Your timeline for processing through Heathrow and London traffic seems hopelessly optimistic.

Bill Sticker said...

'you' post should read 'your'. Sorry about that.

William Gruff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Talwin said...

Actually, Raedwald, you have omitted to mention a potential modicum of good cheer for the visitor from the middle east or the sub-continent.

When at Immigration, say hello, to the official there, that chap from your village; the one who left a few months ago to work in the UK and is trying to pick up a few words of English.