Tory HQ is desperate to find a beer-drinking Tory MP to put before the cameras. William Hague? Didn't he claim to down sixteen pints a night? Not available. He's drinking wheatgrass and gojanberry smoothies these days, stripped down to his 'Boy' Old Compton Street gym gear in the basement of the FO. Dave and George can't stand the stuff, though they keep some in the fridge for tradesmen. The smell makes Nick sick, and ruins his Jerez taste-buds for days. What about IDS? He was in the army, wasn't he? He must drink beer. Alas, no; Ian is having a dry Lent, and what with the hair shirt is on a bit of a short fuse at the moment.
No, No, says one young staffer. I remember I keep seeing loads of pictures of this old-skool Tory downing pints and really enjoying them ... what is his name? Something ... Nigel! that's it! Nigel something!
['Every time a Tory opens his mouth to the press, UKIP gets another 10,000 votes']