Friday, 27 June 2014

Why we hope that our man Juncker is appointed

Herr Juncker is old and tired. He is exhausted by having run a nation the size of Ipswich for two decades, stressed by having been sacked for corruption. His mental acuity is not of the first rate. His chain-smoking and alcoholism have rendered his metabolism sclerotic. His obsession with collecting bling medals and his inflated sense of entitlement have rendered him as remote and pompous as the Sun King. He is, in other words, perfect as the new President of the European Commission. 

Reports in the Telegraph suggest that Europe's heads of government held talks deep into the night on the subject of Herr Juncker's drinking. I expect the Danish PM suggested making him see an alcohol abuse counsellor every day, the Italian PM suggested weaning him from ardent spirits onto watered wine and the Hungarian PM suggested locking him in his office and only letting him out for ceremonial events. Herr Juncker himself, dismayed at having to go to the bin-store area of the Berlaymont every time he wanted a fag, and at the potential embarrassment of bumping into Nigel there, is reported at wanting the rules changed to allow the President to smoke anywhere in EU buildings.

Nevertheless, we wholly endorse Herr Juncker's candidature. Who cares if he smells of stale booze, is covered in fag ash and has wee-stained trousers? Who cares if he's too drunk to even see what he's signing? Who cares if his feeble dissipated frame can hardly bear the weight of medals imposed upon it? Herr Juncker represents perfectly to the youth of Europe the Federalist ideal. He's the only choice for the new President.

9 comments:

Mike Spilligan said...

I've come to the same outcomes, except that whenever he makes a gaffe (frequently?) there'll be someone there to cover up for him - and not only that, but when they leak out (inevitable, but less frequently) Cameron will become insufferable to us but he'll try to smooth things over with Angie.

G. Tingey said...

Ferpectly correct (As Obelix once said!)
The more he spouts & buffoons around, the better chance of him depriving the EU of all our money.
Oops

P.S. Report by "CIVITAS" today, calculating that net benefit of EU, even to "industry" is ... zero.
Oops, again.....

right_writes said...

"Herr Juncker himself, dismayed at having to go to the bin-store area of the Berlaymont every time he wanted a fag, and at the potential embarrassment of bumping into Nigel there, is reported at wanting the rules changed to allow the President to smoke anywhere in EU buildings. "

They both want to see the same thing don't they...? i.e. the back of David Cameron, because he is not only likely to try to outdo both MEP's at being the best smoker, he is likely to want to nick the others ciggies to-boot.

That aside, I would imagine that Nigel will be well chuffed if "arch federalist" Junker got the job. A few years of his antics and we will be queuing at the polling station.

BTW Raedwald... I tried to use the html tag "strike" the other day, and it doesn't work on this site... Is it possible to add that at some time please?

right_writes said...

Oh and just a bit of advice...

I ordered some "Eco sandals" from the Guardian, but I didn't get the socks...

...Now they have started to play the slippery geezer and I can't get any satisfaction.

So beware, the Guardian tells lies!

Anonymous said...

Sclerosis here we come!

Anonymous said...

And the winner is..?

Jean-Claude Juncker

May God bless him, and all who sail in him. Hic!

Steve

Raedwald said...

Sorry RW - 'strike' 's' and 'del' all don't work on blogger it seems

rapscallion said...

Wonderful news. That Juncker (or is it Junker) is now EU Commission President is music to my ears.

He so perfectly encapsulates everything that is wrong with the EU - and there is that much that is right with it anyway.

Its not a matter of if anymore. . . . just when.

right_writes said...

OK, thanks for trying Raedwald.