"Herr Juncker, now that the polls in the UK are swinging toward an 'out' vote, how can we stand by our pledge not to send out and fund campaign literature supporting the 'ins'?"
"Calm, Heinrich. We can't break our pledge to create a playing field as level as ... an alpine meadow for the vote. So here's what we do.
Eight weeks before the referendum we send to every voter in Britain an EU Information pack and Directory, listing every service they receive or can access and credit the EU with providing, managing or regulating them. And we include all the numbers of their national government departments and helplines. And we include a CD with all the best EU marching songs, and a small EU flag, and a voucher for a bottle of wine from the EU surplus lake. Quite neutral, you see. No mention of the referendum at all."
"Herr Juncker, that's brilliant!"
"And also we change the contract condition for all UK schemes in receipt of EU grants to include the obligation to display a full 96 sheet billboard poster on which at least 45% is filled with the EU logo and symbols crediting the scheme to the EU. We will of course give them extra grant to compensate for this minor change."
"Herr Juncker, you excel yourself!"
"Thank you, Heinrich. Let it never be said that we don't go the extra kilometre to achieve real European fairness. We're here to help".