Cull Health Fascists to improve health, say experts

Experts reported to Parliament this week that only a radical cull of health fascists and self-styled diet and health experts will bring overall improvements in the nation's health. A cull, they said, would bring immediate health benefits including decreased blood pressure, lower rates of depression and anxiety and reduced frequency of eating disorders. If we cannot cull all the health fascists at once, government health recommendations recommend the following incremental effects:-

Cullee                                                      Effect
Dame Sally Arrogant-Bitch                     15% health improvement
The BMA                                                 25% health improvement
Council Obesity Counsellors                     7% health improvement

Government advice continued that if you are unable to cull at least one health fascist, an alcohol intake of one bottle of wine a day or four pints of beer a day was required.

The government now recommends that both men and women drink a bottle of wine a day, without making any allowance for body mass. "If we included a proportionate level for body mass, then 17 stone bankers would get 3 bottles of wine a day as a healthy allowance and little blond Chelsea mums would be limited to half a bottle. This is clearly wrong". 

Dame Sally Arrogant-Bitch commented "It's all a load of bollocks, really. I only do it for the money and the title".  

Those who disagree with the new government limits are advised to move to France, Spain or Germany, where the recommended wine intakes are respectively 3 bottles, 2 bottles and 1 bottle and some schnappes each day to achieve the same health levels as the UK. The fact that all these nations have a vastly more effective health service than the UK has something to do with the differences.

"We can't make the bloody NHS work even to a minimum level of efficiency" said Dame Sally "So we have to make people live like bloody vegetarian hermits instead".