Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Ten more consequences of Brexit

The Remainians are holding nothing back when it comes to the outrageous, absurd and risible claims made by the Whitehall Lie Factory, which has now started a night shift and is working at weekends. After Cameron's claim yesterday that Brexit would start the Panzers rolling across the Polish border, here are ten more claims to expect over the next few weeks;

1. The prices of French wine and cheese will double if we leave, and Brits will need a special license to buy champagne
2.  Ryanair and Easyjet will have to charge a new £100 supplement on all tickets to Europe, on account of the risk of it becoming a War Zone
3. Thousands of Portuguese farmers will starve to death as Port exports plummet
4. Manchester will be destroyed by an outbreak of Bubonic plague due to EU banana regulations being flouted
5. Everyone will gang-up to devalue the £ so it's only worth €0.50 cents
6. The NHS will collapse as Bulgarian X-ray technicians head home, leaving thousands of Brits with badly-set broken limbs
7. When we tell German intelligence about terrorist threats, they will put their fingers in their ears and go 'nah nah nah' (actually, they probably do this already)
8. The British advance Battlegroup stationed on the Oder (two tanks, a platoon of RLC dog-trainers and a QM Sergeant) will be asked to return home
9. Brits will be banned from buying Audis in cool colours and everyone must have them in a yucky tangerine orange metallic flake finish
10. UK life expectancy will plummet as the Mediterrannean diet becomes unavailable and we all switch to deep fried Mars bars instead

Any more suggestions welcome...


DeeDee99 said...

Cameron's speech yesterday was roundly ridiculed by the media, and BoJo stuck the boot in to him and Osborne as well. He and Little Lord Fauntleroy must be spitting feathers today.

I'm waiting for them to announce that if we dare vote Leave, there'll be an outbreak of the Black Death.

Apparently said...

11: BBC executives will starve to death as EU grant money to feed their diet of lies will dry up.

...Oh no, sorry Raedwald, I haven't entered into the spirit of this game at all... at all.

More seriously, I am putting the forced closure of the BBC up there with "brexit" and the introduction of local direct democracy, as among the most important near term policies, if we want to survive this war against corporatism.

Apparently said...

Sorry, I didn't explain why...

Not only did they take Camoron seriously yesterday, but they actually took the piss out of Johnson... Now I don't even like Boris Johnson, but he was speaking with forked tongue yesterday.

I am not sure how many take this kind of output from that cess pit seriously, but there must be a fair proportion who do...

And the reality is, that it holds us back as a civilisation, simply to protect a few ego's and their corporatist chums.

Weekend Yachtsman said...

People around the country are taking the p out of Cameron and his absurd fearmongering.

I am even meeting SNP supporters saying "I'm tempted to vote out because of all the shite that guy is coming out with". They won't, of course (the Party will make sure of that), but it's a telling admission.

He may find the nonsense backfires on him.

rapscallion said...

Radders - you must see the Matt cartoon in the DT this morning. Sums it all up perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Vote Remain, or the kitten gets it...

Peter Whale said...

Sing to the tune of dads army

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron If You Think Remain Have Won.

Frau Merkle gives us Junker and says the deal is done.

Dave surrenders easily and says the Hun have won.

So Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron If You Think Old England's Done?

Mr Smith goes off a cliff no job no food no car.

Dave just gives his mum a ring who e-mails Panama

Some Steelman in Port Talbot calls Dave a lying fuck

Dave then Don't Go To Panama he Runs To Carter Ruck

So who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron If You Think Remain Have Won

Dave calls us little Englander and we should no our place

We should give in to Brussels controlled by master race.

Its Tommy this and Tommy that but Tommy will not come.

So Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron If You Think Old England's Done?

Please add more verses as you feel fit.

Apologise to Bud Flanagan who was Jewish and a true Patriot who came back from South Africa to enlist and fight for England during the first world war.

mikebravo said...

12. All of our toothpaste is made in the EU so all of your teeth will go rotten and fall out by Christmas.

13. There will be no Christmas.

Oldrightie said...

The Mayor of London will ban alcohol and all women must cease to drive in London or go out in public without a burka and male chaperone. No, not some, every female. The loss of EUSSR law making will be replaced with Sharia. Oh, wait a moment, that will still be required even with a remain vote.

Plantman said...

Lidl and Aldi will close all their branches within 1 week of vote just to show how cross with us they are.

Anonymous said...

Lordy, if we left the EU................

Well, all that marvellous paperwork, it would take all the fun and mystery out of buying meat products in supermarkets.

Albanian people smugglers, Arabs, Pakistani druglords and God knows who else seem to run the streets of the capital and the london met aka the gendarmerie - let em get on wiv it, it's just like Naples actually! Viva la Camorra, Ndranghetta whatev - EUropean Mafia run by Brussels and for the crime bosses.

What else?

Oh yeah water, beaches, fresh air - they told us EU made them all betterer..............so if we leave - does that mean no more beaches, potable water, real air?.... et bloody cetera.....I know one thing though, we can curtail mobile diesel fume factories - and be able to breath again. Funny though, were we not the first nation in Europe to draft a 'clean air act' - thus EUrope made our air worse...just asking.

Soon, it will be compulsory to wear pyjamas, kowtow five times a day poking your nose up someone else bumhole and if you don't, then the religious police will come round and sort you. The Theocrats mates in Brussels desire all of this and made it possible.

Then, the fact that if my grandmother is beaten, raped and stabbed, if young white girls are groomed and serially abused by alien nationals, even if we jail em, when they are released early - they still stay on! Coz, most often the perps rights to a family life trump and squash my rights and my family's lives, rights to a peaceful existence......... all thanks to EU law, ECJ and ECHR - I am made a second class citizen in my own land.

What would real freedom feel like?

What would it feel like, without French and German lawyers and societal engineers micromanaging our lives, thinking up, handing down imperiously; ever more stupid rools and regs, how much..... we would miss it?

Plus, how much would we miss the "bunch of useless fucking wankers" as Mr. Roger Daltry so succinctly put it?

Like a hole in the head - that's how much!

lilith said...

If we leave there will be no more croissants. People with wide feet will have to fly to Denmark to buy shoes. Our National teams won't have any local countries to play except each other. The Vatican will become the financial centre of Europe.

Plantman said...

The Commission will issue a statement (with the backing of an emergency judgement from the European Court) claiming that it was always implicit in the founding "Treaty of Rome" that the borders of the newly re-established state should eventually coincide with the boundaries of the Roman Empire and therefore the English border with Scotland would henceforth be Hadrian's Wall (and anyway most idiot journalists already referred to it as such)

So with immediate effect that part of Cumbria and Northumberland
lying North of the wall would at once come under Scottish rule. and there would be an urgently convened Heads of State summit to muster sufficient legions to re-impose Roman civilisation on the rest of Brittania.

Brian Cowling said...

If we leave the EU then:

a. the rest of the world will stop speaking English.
b. the metric system will be EU patented and we won't be permitted to use it.
c. there will be a daily-changing password to get into the Federation (err, EU) and we won't be told what it is.
d. WW3 will be followed by WW4 and nobody will be on our side.
e. Raedwald's broadcasts will be jammed.
f. Normans will invade and bring their rabbits.
g. Vikings and others will invade and bring their stuff.
h. there will be an increase in global warming.
i. The Thames will rise, most other rivers will dry up and all the fish in our coastal waters will disappear.
j. we will never win the EU Song Contest again. Ever.
k. everyone will point at us.
l. our Border Force Officers will lose their jobs because no one will want to come here, unless they are re-employed to stop us leaving (the country).
m. lots more really bad things will happen because we are all doomed.
n. the alphabet will end at the letter "n".

Anonymous said...

Vatican did yous say?

Bankers to the Nazis - still.

Anonymous said...

Invoking the dead from 200 years of wars as your argument is pretty low. I found it offensive. Folk like my great, great uncle, who was wounded at Sebastopol, weren't treated well by the class that the likes of Cameron comes from.

The Last of the Light Brigade

There were thirty million English who talked of England's might,
There were twenty broken troopers who lacked a bed for the night.
They had neither food nor money, they had neither service nor trade;
They were only shiftless soldiers, the last of the Light Brigade.

They felt that life was fleeting; they knew not that art was long,
That though they were dying of famine, they lived in deathless song.
They asked for a little money to keep the wolf from the door;
And the thirty million English sent twenty pounds and four!

They laid their heads together that were scarred and lined and grey;
Keen were the Russian sabres, but want was keener than they;
And an old Troop-Sergeant muttered, "Let us go to the man who writes
The things on Balaclava the kiddies at school recites."

They went without bands or colours, a regiment ten-file strong,
To look for the Master-singer who had crowned them all in his song;
And, waiting his servant's order, by the garden gate they stayed,
A desolate little cluster, the last of the Light Brigade.

They strove to stand to attention, to straighten the toil-bowed back;
They drilled on an empty stomach, the loose-knit files fell slack;
With stooping of weary shoulders, in garments tattered and frayed,
They shambled into his presence, the last of the Light Brigade.

The old Troop-Sergeant was spokesman, and "Beggin' your pardon," he said, "You wrote o' the Light Brigade, sir. Here's all that isn't dead. An' it's all come true what you wrote, sir, regardin' the mouth of hell; For we're all of us nigh to the workhouse, an, we thought we'd call an' tell.

"No, thank you, we don't want food, sir; but couldn't you take an' write
A sort of 'to be continued' and 'see next page' o' the fight?
We think that someone has blundered, an' couldn't you tell 'em how?
You wrote we were heroes once, sir. Please, write we are starving now."

The poor little army departed, limping and lean and forlorn.
And the heart of the Master-singer grew hot with "the scorn of scorn."
And he wrote for them wonderful verses that swept the land like flame,
Till the fatted souls of the English were scourged with the thing called Shame.

O thirty million English that babble of England's might,
Behold there are twenty heroes who lack their food to-night;
Our children's children are lisping to "honour the charge they made-"
And we leave to the streets and the workhouse the charge of the Light Brigade!

It's time the English went their own way because this generation of politicians looks upon us as old wallpaper that needs stripping or painted over.


Cascadian said...

Raedwald, your list is only mildly amusing, let's face it, you could never compete with the industrial-strength comedy (disguised as policy/political commentary) purveyed by the camoron.

Some of your readers of a certain age will remember CoCo the clown, perhaps it is time to honour your PM for his unstinting comedy work and name him CamCam the clown.

He seems not to be able to distinguish between NATO (a feeble cold war artifact, that the USA seems keen to kill off ) and the mighty EU rapid reaction farce (a wholly imaginary farce) populated by Germans that clock on and clock off, Dutch ponytail warriors and other assorted decidedly non-fighting farces.

Cascadian said...

I was not aware of the "The Last of the Light Brigade" Steve, thank you for introducing it here.

I too had a ancestor that was pensioned off from the British Army in the early 1800's he lived a life beholden to his brother's family who lived in poverty in rural Norfolk.

I am not suggesting he was treated any worse than others in a similar situation -that is the true tragedy. As you say the camoron's jingoism in support of a supra-national talking-shop that promotes war (Ukraine) but appeases religious hatred grates mightily.

Nigel Sedgwick said...

Brian Cowling writes: "If we leave the EU then: a. the rest of the world will stop speaking English." Sadly, I must report personal disagreement on this - even as sarcasm.

My view is that, whether or not the UK leaves the EU, the overwhelmingly dominant official language of the EU (that is of its parliament and of its bureaucracy) will soon be English.

So, let us now, already, roll on our backs, wave our paws in the air and bark/meow: "Yay! - We won."

Best regards

Anonymous said...

"old wallpaper" Aye! but it did for Bony in more ways than one.


Methinks, it's lang past time to remove the ornamentists , our problem is, how to do this in an orderly manner and do we remain, still loyal to the crown?

Budgie said...

I guess we must laugh, but I don't find liars all that funny really. At least Brown took the tablets. I just find Cameron disgusting.

Poisonedchalice said...

Cameron thinks his scare mongering will work and he will continue with ever more ludicrous lies. Boris is the opposite side of the same coin by the way.

No, this isn't about what will or will not happen; this is a "them or us" war. Us being the hard-pressed, put-upon ordinary folks who are fed up of the hectoring, haranguing, over-weaning bureaucrats (them) that seek to meddle in the minutiae of our daily lives. This referendum is our one and only chance to stick it to these people in Westminster and Brussels.

For God's sake, please don't waste this chance.

Coney Island