I've finally worked out that this must be Eastern European immigrant week. The first stories about Peterborough's swans being trapped and eaten by EEIs should have set the alarm bells ringing, then the stories about the danger to freshwater fish stocks from EEIs, then the slew of tales of middle Englanders who had woken to find Romanians living in their sheds. These things go straight to the heart of the English; swans, carp and garden sheds are amongst the very things we hold dear. But it wasn't until the East Anglian Daily Times revealed the latest heinous crime challenging the constables of Brandon that the penny dropped. A man (who could have been East European) was seen on CCTV defaecating on a towel laid on the footway. Police are unsure what happened to the towel afterwards. Now it could be that Mark Oaten is supporting the local LibDems, or it could be a critical tourist comment on Brandon's charms, but for my money the story has EEI written all over it.
Here in London it's Africans who are the most visible sign of Labour's open door policy - and it seems most of them are having babies. Out in the sticks, it's EEIs. And the problem isn't confined to the South of England; across the country voters are encountering immigrants in circumstances that directly affect their own lives and their own identities. And this is the foremost hidden issue in the coming election, the most damning legacy of Labour's culpable maladministration. Yet not one of the seven posters designed by Saatchi for CCHQ mention immigration; not one carries the image of that that grinning thug alongside the message "I let 2 million immigrants into the UK - Vote for me!"
And why? Well, EEIs. You see, Cameron's support of the EU precludes the Conservatives attacking Labour on immigration grounds; all those EEIs are here because of our membership of the EU.
Another thought has just occurred to me. Perhaps the Brandon defaecator was just a native, commenting on the state of British politics, after all.