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Monday, 14 March 2011

Guardian's timing as bad as ever

On the day that the cross-party People's Pledge is launched, the corrupt tax-avoiding GMT rag the 'Guardian' has chosen to launch a rolling feature entitled "The new Europe - getting to know our neighbours better"

I wouldn't bother with the Guardian's take if I were you. Here's Raedwald's alternative take on our Euro neighbours

Part 1 - The Hun

Since the wall came down, the Hun has been divided into Wessi Huns and Ossi Huns. Ossi Hun women line the highways to Poland dressed in micro-skirts with ineptly bleached hair seeking trade from TIR truck drivers, whilst Ossi men slump at home in crumbling 'Eric' Soviet Paradise apartments watching Philippine-made LED TVs wearing nylon pullovers patterned by a Chinese sweat-shop boss on acid. In the East, Prussian militarism has been killed for ever, and the population has reverted to the sort of stubborn peasantry it was before Frederick the Great had an effect. Since the Holocaust killed off all Prussia's finest musicians, comics, actors and creatives it's a fairly dull and joyless place. 

The Wessi Hun retains the proclivity to remove clothing at the slightest excuse, and large areas of forest are designated for the disport of naked Huns. The mullet remains the favoured hairstyle, and the Mercedes the favoured vehicle. The average mass of a Wessi Hun these days is about 18 stone, and they are often a light orange in colour. The species is known for hoarding, and may often be observed burying caches of pickles, gold etc. The Wessis have grown extremely rich selling machines for making other machines to China, but now that China is making its own machine-making machines this wealth may diminish. 

Both Wessis and Ossis delight in a dish of 'bratties' - Bratwurst with Sauerkraut - washed down with a few litres of lager-beer. Since they killed all their Jews, their musical tastes have become primitive and undeveloped, tending towards the boom-booma-boom Eurovision Europop. The Hun has not produced a single rock group of any note since 1945. They have a few buildings of note, constructed since 1945, and these have been designed by British architects for the same reason. 

The population is not breeding well, reproducing at under the replacement rate. Around 5m prime breeding males were killed in the last war. They have therefore imported Turks. The toilets are extremely clean, almost fetishistically so, and many have an 'inspection shelf' for the scrupulous Hun to examine his or her stool before flushing. The population as a whole may appear docile, but the Hun harbours quiet ambitions to lead Europe through the EU; paradoxically, it was one of the original intentions of the EU for that institution to keep the Hun down. 

Next - The Kermits


Nick Drew said...

can't wait !

Edward Spalton said...

All jolly good fun but there is a more serious side to the ambitions of Germany's political class, which have remained remarkably constant since the foundation of modern Germany in 1871 - although they have tried various means to achieve them.

May I recommend the German website

I know the editor well, a very conscientious journalist and a gentle, pacifist soul who is much troubled by the way his country is going.

A recent article, entitled Nuremberg II
shows that there is pressure for a War crimes trial of the allies for crimes against the Nazis.

Back in the Kohl era, the Bundestag passed a very wordy resolution about "integration" in Eastern Europe. Nestling among the flowery verbiage was an assertion of the "right of return" for Germans to their "historic homelands" in Poland, the Czech Republic and elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, ecurity levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-
categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed > Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Coney Island

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous Coney Island,

Wonderful stuff.

Jeff Wood said...

A small disagreement: Rammstein are a very solid heavy metal group.