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Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Balls announces new Tractor Plan

In a six-hour speech to the XIVth Praesidium of the Labour Party, Comrade Ed Balls announced the adoption by the Party of a new Tractor Plan. Admitting that Labour may have over-produced tractors during the last government, he refused to apologise, saying "We are the party of tractors. I make no apology for using the entire income of the State in tractor production. It was not the Blackburn 'Harvester' or the Sheffield Machine Works 'Strongboy' that caused the collapse of capitalist running dogs Lehman." Under the slogan "Old Labour - New Tractors" Comrade Balls announced that Labour would produce 895,434 tractors in 2015, financed by a new shoe-tax on those kulaks and intellectuals who still owned shoes and a new Progressive Education Tax under which tuition fees would be linked to A level results; each A* result would clock up £2,000 a year in tuition fees, whilst each Grade C would only result in an annual charge of £150. "For once and all, we will ensure the children of the Proletariat have access to the Tractor Academies" Comrade Balls said.

The Praesidium was reduced to tears by a poem of praise to the Leader written and read by a 13 year old pupil at Maidstone Plough Institute Number 315, in which he compared the Leader to a three-point linkage with PTO. "The Party is my Father, my Mother and my Tractor" the boy read. In gratitude, Comrade Balls ordered him to be taken away and shot. 


Greg Tingey said...

Very funny and totally irrelevant.

Mr Milibean (as "Private Eye" calls him) is as irrelevant and useless as Camoron.

We have other, more pressing problems.

Weekend Yachtsman said...

Very good, but you missed the bit about the standing ovation.

For a realistic parody, you should refer to "prolonged, stormy applause", and for bonus points you need to point out that the first person who stopped clapping was arrested the following day and never seen again.

Or was that all Peter Simple? I get so mixed up these days.

Anonymous said...

Radders, you really are slipping. You forgot the important parts of the speech that outlined the Zil Lanes and Potemkin villages :-)

Coney Island

David C said...


Greg Tingey said...

I'm horribly afraid that the Zil lanes and the Potemkin villages are part of our CURRENT government's plans.
Blame the vile fascist-crawler "lord" Coe, who was a tory, the last time I looked.
(Breifly, because he makes my skin crawl)

James Higham said...

New tractor plan. [Face palm]

Bill Quango MP said...

Milibean has made it all even clearer. There is good business and bad business. Good business needs to be something made with the hands. Bad business is something intangible.

I think he meant Tractor Manufacturing = Good.
Capitalist, bourgeois, imperialist ISA products = Bad.

But he might have meant
Laboratoire Garnier = Good
Mathematics = Bad

Who knows what the idiot really meant? But he got the seals clapping, so he's got another few years to try and figure it all out.