As it's Friday afternoon I've just taken a Telegraph quiz with available answer options a,b and c. Reader, I must be honest - I had to invent a new 'd' answer to every single question. How would you do?
1. You’re logging into Facebook to…
A) ...post a picture of you having dinner with friends. You look amazing in it
but that’s by-the-by.
B) ...keep up to date with news from friends and family. Your cousin’s just
had a baby - maybe a picture will be up?
C) …check how many ‘likes’ your gym selfie has got. Your guns are looking huge
in this one, but so far only 149 people have left positive comments. Is it
your hair that’s the problem?
D) Try to delete my account for the umpteenth time. It's like a vampire with a dozen stakes through its heart - I can't get rid of the wretched thing, which I only opened in order to try 'spotify'
2. You’re switching on the TV to watch…
A) ...the football. Footballers always seem to be one step ahead of the latest
B) …the football. You’d never miss one of your team’s games.
C) ...Geordie Shore. When you’re not looking at you, you want to be looking at
people like you.
D) ...A film on BBC2 that's not available online
3. If you were a comic book character you would be...
A) Batman. You may or may not be in a gay relationship with your sidekick but
that’s not really the point. You also have a basement stuffed with sweet
B) Superman. Save the day, get the girl.
C) The Incredible Hulk. Because bigger is always better.
D) Captain Haddock in Tintin
4. It’s a big night out. What’s your poison?
A) Red wine. There was a period when it would have been cocaine too, but the
ethical implications worried you - not to mention what it did to your skin.
B) Real ale.
C) Double vodka Red Bull. You’re always getting offered MDMA in clubs but
you’re not sure how it will react with the steroids you’re taking.
D) Tanqueray gin and French over lots of ice
5. Time for party small talk with another man. Your first question is…
A) This is Prada, right? I’ve been trying to track one down in cobalt blue for
B) Did you catch the game last night?
C) Bro, do you lift?
D) Have you seen Robert's article in the LRB?
6. Time to approach a woman at a party. Your opener is...
A) A woman in an A-line dress should never be standing by herself.
B) Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got "fine" written
all over you.
C) My mate’s up for a threesome. You in?
D) Ah, those are St Hilda's colours aren't they?
7. It’s the morning after the night before. What do you eat?
A) Ottolenghi’s Middle Eastern take on Full English - a simple twist on a
B) Full English, what else?
C) Full English with 18 eggs, 20 rashers of bacon and no bread. This machine
runs on protein.
D) Marinated raw Herring in onion. Really. It's wonderfully effective.
8. How would you describe your relationship with porn?
A) You watch it a couple of times a week but understand it doesn’t have much
bearing on reality.
B) Strained now that Nuts has folded.
C) You’ve uploaded a couple of videos of you and the girlfriend to amateur
sites but should really try professional soon.
D) I rather miss 'Mayfair'. There were some very good articles.
9. Let’s talk t-shirts. V-neck or crew neck?
A) If your face is long, you'll try to offset this with a plain crew neck -
and vice-versa if your face is round.
B) You don’t talk t-shirts.
C) V-neck - the deeper the better
D) I have a Hanes long-sleeve vest I wear under my shirt in very cold weather if I'm outside
10. Which of these best describes your approach to life?
A) Always look out for number one.
B) Hope for the best, expect the worst.
C) Sun’s out - guns out.
D) Trying my best to lead a Christian life
Perhaps the Telegraph is just for children these days.