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Friday, 13 June 2014

Oh dear. I'm officially a failure.

As it's Friday afternoon I've just taken a Telegraph quiz with available answer options a,b and c. Reader, I must be honest - I had to invent a new 'd' answer to every single question. How would you do?

1. You’re logging into Facebook to…

A) a picture of you having dinner with friends. You look amazing in it but that’s by-the-by.
B) ...keep up to date with news from friends and family. Your cousin’s just had a baby - maybe a picture will be up?
C) …check how many ‘likes’ your gym selfie has got. Your guns are looking huge in this one, but so far only 149 people have left positive comments. Is it your hair that’s the problem? 
D) Try to delete my account for the umpteenth time. It's like a vampire with a dozen stakes through its heart - I can't get rid of the wretched thing, which I only opened in order to try 'spotify'

2. You’re switching on the TV to watch…
A) ...the football. Footballers always seem to be one step ahead of the latest grooming trends.
B) …the football. You’d never miss one of your team’s games.
C) ...Geordie Shore. When you’re not looking at you, you want to be looking at people like you. 
D) ...A film on BBC2 that's not available online

3. If you were a comic book character you would be...
A) Batman. You may or may not be in a gay relationship with your sidekick but that’s not really the point. You also have a basement stuffed with sweet gadgets.
B) Superman. Save the day, get the girl.
C) The Incredible Hulk. Because bigger is always better. 
D) Captain Haddock in Tintin
4. It’s a big night out. What’s your poison?
A) Red wine. There was a period when it would have been cocaine too, but the ethical implications worried you - not to mention what it did to your skin.
B) Real ale.
C) Double vodka Red Bull. You’re always getting offered MDMA in clubs but you’re not sure how it will react with the steroids you’re taking. 
D) Tanqueray gin and French over lots of ice 

5. Time for party small talk with another man. Your first question is…
A) This is Prada, right? I’ve been trying to track one down in cobalt blue for ages.
B) Did you catch the game last night?
C) Bro, do you lift? 
D) Have you seen Robert's article in the LRB?

6. Time to approach a woman at a party. Your opener is...
A) A woman in an A-line dress should never be standing by herself.
B) Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got "fine" written all over you.
C) My mate’s up for a threesome. You in? 
D) Ah, those are St Hilda's colours aren't they?
7. It’s the morning after the night before. What do you eat?
A) Ottolenghi’s Middle Eastern take on Full English - a simple twist on a classic.
B) Full English, what else?
C) Full English with 18 eggs, 20 rashers of bacon and no bread. This machine runs on protein. 
D) Marinated raw Herring in onion. Really. It's wonderfully effective. 

8. How would you describe your relationship with porn?
A) You watch it a couple of times a week but understand it doesn’t have much bearing on reality.
B) Strained now that Nuts has folded.
C) You’ve uploaded a couple of videos of you and the girlfriend to amateur sites but should really try professional soon.
D) I rather miss 'Mayfair'. There were some very good articles.

9. Let’s talk t-shirts. V-neck or crew neck?
A) If your face is long, you'll try to offset this with a plain crew neck - and vice-versa if your face is round.
B) You don’t talk t-shirts.
C) V-neck - the deeper the better
D) I have a Hanes long-sleeve vest I wear under my shirt in very cold weather if I'm outside

10. Which of these best describes your approach to life?
A) Always look out for number one.
B) Hope for the best, expect the worst.
C) Sun’s out - guns out. 
D) Trying my best to lead a Christian life

Perhaps the Telegraph is just for children these days. 


Sackerson said...

4D - the Queen Mother's tipple, I believe.

Quiet_Man said...

Mostly D's though often enough it's the least worst answer.

Budgie said...

This is why (well, one of the many reasons why) I don't get the Telegraph any more. It's not even funny either.

Sebastian Weetabix said...

What the hell has gone wrong with the Telegraph? Is it that bald American management drone they just brought in at great expense because he did Sesame St?

Anonymous said...

The Correspondent was a good paper - as was the Independent before 1995.

The Telegraph has repositioned itself. Where is anyone's guess.


Anonymous said...

Somewhere in my constant stream of commentary, there is often to be found, an allusion to the comic book status of the Telegraph...

One of the problems may be, that it is trying to speak for the unspeakable... Defend the indefensible.

I mean, what is Cameron... What does it stand for?

Buggered if I know.

Anonymous said...

OK, my Ds are:

Q1. Mobile phone pictures of places I walk or run to.

Q2. Anything Attenborough

Q3. Dennis the Menace

Q4. Red wine (same as Telegraph)

Q5. Are you interested in particle physics?

Q6. Are you interested in particle physics?

Q7. Mars bar, Coka-Cola, running shoes.

Q8. Non existent these days, though H&E was once good!

Q9. How many do you want? My son owns a tee-shirt factory!

Q10. Just trying to make my way in this world (although I quite like C in the Telegraph)!

Coney Island

meltemian said...

1) What's Facebook?

2) Gardener's World.

3) Bugs Bunny, at my age I'm always asking "What's up Doc?"

4) Rosé, can't take the hard stuff any more.

5) ANOTHER man? Perhaps I'm the wrong sex?

6) Great dress! Where did you get it?

7) 6 paracetamol and a cup of tea.

8) Jealousy!!!

9) V definitely, makes my neck look longer.

10) Keep Buggering On!

john in cheshire said...

I'm proud to be a failure because I don't have facebook or a tv. While Metrosexual seemed, on the face of it (lol) to have some meaning, spornosexual is just an ugly non-word invented by some juvenile. Metrosexual, by the way, makes me sick because it always conjures the image of jon snow.

Weekend Yachtsman said...

Your final line says it all really.