Sunday, 17 June 2007

Labour claim a record of 100% improvement in medical care for troops

Stung by allegations that the standards of medical care available to British troops wounded in Afghanistan and Iraq are no better than those available to US troops in Vietnam 40 years ago, the Defence Secretary Des 'Chubby' Browne said today

"This government is committed to investment and improvement in army medical services; if you look at the facts, you will see that we have increased battle wound survivability over 100% since the Crimean War. The soldier wounded today in Basra enjoys double the chances of surviving his or her or transgendered wounds than the soldier treated in Scutari. This is an astounding Labour success and demonstrates the levels of investment this government has made in our armed forces."

A record of spite and utter failure

During a week in which every newspaper story seemed to catalogue Labour's record of woeful failure, I have become almost resigned to a reality in which the divisions in politics are not between two parties of the centre but between Roundheads and Cavaliers. Now don't misunderstand me; Cromwell's stern warning gaze directed from Westminster Hall towards the sovereign's home gets my full support. No, it's the joyless, prescriptive, intrusive Puritanism of New Labour that leads me to the comparison. It's a religion based on the primacy of an individual's 'rights' not to work and to live from the toil of one's fellows, to bear children without fathers in the home to raise them and be better off than families, to enjoy equal status as a couple in an unnatural relationship to a married couple, to enjoy the support and encouragement of the law for every manifestation of cultures and tenets that negate and undermine our national character and identity. Just as long as you don't hunt, smoke, drink, eat natural foods, take too much salt, exceed 20mph on the road, work too hard or too long, protest against the Lord Protector, or undertake any other activity not explicitly sanctioned and governed by New Labour Laws. And you'd better not laugh too loudly either - it may earn you an ASBO.

So here are a few tips for New Labour for those things for which you have not yet legislated;
  • A law to extend spot fines for littering to those at sea in small boats,
  • Making failure to wear a lifejacket on board a boat a criminal offence,
  • Legislation to ensure that fish are only killed in licenced slaughterhouses inspected by government officials,
  • Extending the protection of the Wildlife and Countryside Act to rats and mice,
  • Giving the Police powers to stop and question fat people,
  • Outlawing the use of tractors before 9 a.m.,
  • Powers for councils to acquire gardens larger than twice the 'footprint' of the house for development,
  • The banning of smoking in flats, apartments and shared dwellings,
  • Pedestrians to carry compulsory fire extinguishers and first aid kits when walking on the public footway.
There. That's your legislative programme sorted for the next Queen's Speech.