They think it's all over ...

Actually, you won't hear a peep about yesterday's election on the news or read a word in the nationals, because we've all got to pretend we don't know what happened until Sunday night, after the last EU subject nations have voted. Already it's safe to assume that the Brexit Party have scored big and Labour and the Tories have been creamed. However, steps are already underway to undermine the validity of that vote -

Change UK (CUK) claim that many of their members were unable to find their way to the polling stations as the little map on the poll cards was not in colour and didn't look like TomTom. "Change UK voters have been wandering the streets utterly lost, clutching their poll cards and were still looking for somewhere to vote at 10pm" said a spokesperson

Remain Alliance took the example of Dan Snow, who claimed a crocodile in a Brexit Party waistcoat was delivered inside his postal vote "I thought it was the postman playing a joke, but all over the New Forest hundreds of little Brexit Party crocodiles in Teal waistcoats have been gummed into the vote envelopes and in some cases they have eaten the ballot forms" said Dan

Momentum claimed a shortage of milkshakes had prevented many of their members from voting "The comrades won't turn out just to put a cross in a box" said Comrade Spart "They need a bit of street action, know what I mean? But it was warm and most of the milkshakes accidentally got drunk"

A Soros-funded 'migrants taxi' organisation claimed that rigorous checks by electoral officials were preventing illegal migrants from registering to vote "I mean honestly, we've arranged for over 1,000 Afghans, Iraqis and Somalis to come over in stolen boats in the past few weeks but barely a score have managed to get on the electoral register. The system is biased towards people who can read and write English and who have a legal right to be in the UK. This is unfair to global migrants"

LibDems claimed their vote had been sabotaged because there were more than three parties on the ballot forms "It was deliberately intended to confuse our supporters, who expect only three boxes and look for the one that isn't Labour or Conservative. This time the papers were as long as your arm with loads of boxes. This totally confused our members, many of whom reported making crosses at random on the form"

Guy Verhofstadt claimed Britain's vote was unfair because Belgium was not allowed to participate in the vote "Had perfidious Internationalist Britain acted fairly and invited the populations of Belgium and Luxembourg to participate in the elections, as is their right as loyal Europeans, the result may be very different. This constant pandering to British nationals is destructive and anti-European"

Update 11.50
...It is now!