Monday, 20 March 2017

Police Drones

"So, Inspector, this proposed Drone Squad can be staffed by transfers from the Internet Porn Squad? How's that gone?"

"Well sir since 2004 the lads have watched over 2 million hours of online porn. Deserve a medal, they do sir. Constable Hotchkiss can't hear the word 'Brazilian' now without twitching."

"And how many arrests and convictions have resulted?" 

"Just the one sir. The chairman of the golf club who put hidden cameras in the ladies. But that doesn't affect the deterrent effect of those evil film makers knowing that the Force is watching. And we've learnt our lesson - the lads need periodic rotation out of the squad. Hence the new Drone Squad, sir"

"Ah yes. Sergeant Thom bought one for his kids and saw the crime-busting possibilities straight away...."

"That's right sir. Of course, police drones would cost a lot more, it being taxpayers' money, and the lads would need professional training from the RAF"

"I'm still not happy about us flying these potentially lethal things over people's houses and gardens .. have you considered the risks?"    

"We estimate that 80% of the time we'll be flying over public roads and open land. In particular it will allow the lads to gather video evidence of widespread 'dogging' activity in Knickers Woods, sir.  We could spend a year keeping constant tabs on it all then swoop. Then there's the poofs sorry BLTs on Handy Heath. We can follow 'em sir from the sky without risking officers on the ground."

"You don't think there's a risk that some of this footage may leak onto the web? Doesn't this sort of surveillance constitute a variety of porn in itself?"

"That's the beauty of it sir. The Internet Porn Squad can keep an eye out for any leaked footage"

"Ah yes. When was the last time any of these men actually walked a beat or responded to a disturbance? Some of them look as though they have difficulty walking"

"Yes sir. Injuries incurred in the line of service, watching the porn sir. Sixteen early ill-health retirements so far. We're hoping that working the drones gets them out of their chairs, sir. Into other chairs."

"Very well. Carry on, Inspector"

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You do drone on Radders but it will give the lads a buzz too and anything to keep the girls in blue orf the streets, it's all good.

Gordon the Fence Post Tortoise said...

Virtual reality next then?

I cannot imagine why - but Tom Sharpe and his Konstabel Els come to mind ...

With the utterly bizarre antics of our public servants I get the feeling sometimes that the farce underway in real life seems to defy being lampooned.

Sensory flotation tanks with VR headsets are being installed in divisional police HQs across the land - appropriate PPE being pink latex onesies.

Mr Ecks said...



The police ARE drones.

opsimath said...

Loved it! Thanks.

barnacle bill said...

@ Gordon the Fence Post Tortoise

Konstable Els, the elephant gun and the battle at the old pillbox in Riotous Assembley is my always "turn to" read when it's a grey old day!!

In fact I think I'll dig it out for another read tonight.

pen seive said...

As a retired Police officer, I think you're closer than you think. Any new initiative always causes a new 'dedicated task force' which will mean officers being taken off the beat. Such a task force will only be operational Monday to Friday between 8am and 6pm, there not being enough in the squad to provide a 24 hour rota. Then there will be the overflights of suspects houses, usually those suspects with large gardens, swimming pools, and busty wives who love to sunbathe in, and sometimes out of, their bikinis - all evidence gathering techniques.
Oh, I wish I could rejoin tomorrow. On the other hand, perhaps not!

Michael said...

Two words spring to mind...
"Skeet Shoot!"

Gordon the Fence Post Tortoise said...

@barbacle bill

I was thinking more about the electrifying magic lantern show.