Good day! I am Dr Barrister Adoke Aboyongo and I am please to announce UNHRC awards for 2018. The Council has seven first world members (not eligible for prizes due to colonial advantages) and forty members drawn from the minor kleptocracies, dictatorships, banana republics, junta, repressive autocracies or theocracies and corrupt and failed states from around the world. This year those forty nations competed for our top prizes and I am happy to announce the winners.
THE LAVRENTI BERIA AWARD FOR EXTRAJUDICIAL MURDER
The judges were unanimous in deciding this award should go to PRESIDENT DUTERTE of the Phillipines for having shot more citizens in twelve months than any other dictator of the past 60 years. The professionalism and commitment of Mr Duterte's death squads, working overnight and weekends, have left a mountain of corpses and a lake of blood on Manila's streets.
GILLETTE PRIZE FOR EXCELLENCE IN PUBLIC EXECUTIONS
For the 11th year running this prize has gone to the KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA, a nation foremost in skills of head-chopping and spectacular and bloody public executions. A special mention of the nation's high regard for gender equality was underlined by the panel - in 2017 some 27% of heads chopped were women's, the highest proportion ever of women executed in the Kingdom.
MONSANTO GOLD MEDAL FOR AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT
The winner of the 2018 award is SOUTH AFRICA. The rape, murder, mutilation and dismemberment of white farmers under Operation Machete has achieved remarkable levels of terror, fear and lawlessness, and the police and government are congratulated for refraining from intervening in any way with the movement. At the same time, the activists have achieved a 14% reduction in domestic food production and cash-crop harvests - a spectacular reduction for the 21st century.
THE POL POT PRIZE FOR POPULATION DEGRADATION
The judges were faced with a strong field of candidates and shortlisting was a difficult process. Finally, the decision was unanimous to award the prize to VENEZUELA; the sheer levels of incompetence required to turn an oil-rich second world nation into an impoverished failed state with a starving population forced to kill and eat their pet cats and dogs could not be equalled.
With deep thanks to all the nations of the 40 who were not successful this year, and to the many of you who made kind contributions to the Aboyongo Fund for Comfortable Retirements ($ only, please!).
Yes, all the above nations really are members of the UN Human Rights Council.