Blair excoriated in withering dismissal

For those of you who have not yet read Matthew Norman's shredding of Bloody Blair in the Indie, I urge you to create a quality ten minutes with the tipple of your choice and savour the flaying of any shred of political credibility from Blair's permatanned hide. Turn away now to avoid a brief extract, as they say ...

For most of the past year, he has been attempting to use the issue of Brexit and the resentments it has unleashed as the catalyst for the formation of a new centrist political party, which he could control from offstage. Any doubt about that was removed by the movement of his lips when he denied it to Marr.

The glib vagaries that served him superbly in the mid-nineties boom times – the cultivated vagueness evident from his vacuous witterings about conjuring up some magically EU-friendly immigration constraints – are out of vogue. Theresa May could have told him this, but there is no appetite for bland reassurance and vapid rhetoric when people in full-time work cannot afford to feed their children, let alone to buy or rent a decent home.

If Blair is a kind of tragicomic Napoleon gazing across the sea from Elba, he is no longer a good general. He isn’t even the bad general of cliché. He isn’t fighting the last war. He isn’t fighting the war before that. He is fighting no war at all outside his own narcissistic head. The war he is fighting is the one against his own irrelevance, and that was lost a long time ago.

Exquisite. 

Blair's Labour ministers should face jail over Diesel scandal

The driver (sic) for Diesel road vehicles came under Bloody Blair's mendacious governance. Now we learn the things are killing us, already costing us £3bn a year in productivity, with a vast store of NHS costs, illnesses and a care bill to come. 

Personally, I love naked Diesels - on boats. Heaven is eating strawberries to the sound of a Lister-Petter. But isn't it right and proper that Blair and his transport / industry ministers are now jailed for these acts of criminal harm?

Desperate Federasts dig up Blair again

No sooner has Bloody Blair settled back in his casket then desperate Federasts have wielded flying shovels to dig him up again. The publication of the Great Repeal Bill has brought it home to the die-hard remoaners that we really are leaving; Tim Farron, who can now use his child's Oyster Card again on the buses, the egregious 'Lord' Adonis (an American nickname, surely, like those given to black jazz musicians?) and now the late Mr Barrister Tony Blair all seem to be moronic enough to imagine the UK could have another referendum, just in case we've changed our minds.

The Late Mr Blair now claims that Herr Juncker and Herr Verhofstadt are willing to crawl naked down the central corridor of Westminster Palace and kiss the Speaker's bare arse if only the UK reconsiders her decision to take £10bn a year away from the Evil Empire. 

This desperation is risible. Guys, go and put Mr Barrister Tony Blair back in his casket and cover him up again.

From the Desk of Mr Barrister Tony Blair

As with Nigerian 419 scammers, Mr Barrister Tony Blair doesn't himself address anyone. Such people imagine that heading a polite written request for £5,000 or an excuse for killing 100,000 people with the words 'From the desk of ...' or 'From the office of ...' adds gravitas to their own actual insignificance. Guys, it really doesn't. 

So we have Chilcot clarifying that the truth for Mr Barrister Tony Blair is what he believes it to be, and that he approached War in the same way an advocate defending a man charged with waving his todger about on the Central Line. For Mr Barrister Tony Blair, an emotional and persuasive appeal always trumps stuff like actual facts, real intelligence and credible evidence. And that probably goes for his Desk, his Office and any other objects that speak for him. 

But just as learned counsel don't actually deceive the court when they aver that their client claims he was just shaking raindrops from a newly purchased Bratwurst in that tube carriage, and that this could indeed have been the case, that there exists a reasonable doubt, so Mr Barrister Tony Blair wasn't actually deceiving us when he claimed with all his emotional wringing that Iraq might represent a threat. 

The difference is more than a £500 fine. Iraq is a nation drenched in innocent blood and spattered with detonated body parts, home to pain, suffering, desperation and despair, the source of Islamist hatred, and a graveyard for an entire generation. And for that we must thank the Desk of Mr Barrister Tony Blair, 419 scammer and blagger extraordinaire, a man who avoids jail as an eel eludes the hand. 

Coffee needed. I've got a vomity taste in my throat.

Blair struggles to rise from the political grave

The most loathed ex-politician in Britain is scrabbling to rise from his political grave; Blair, whose mummified features can barely raise a plastic smile these days, is sufficiently mentally deluded to think he can lead a successful minority coup against Brexit. With even his most crooked and morally corrupt ex-supporters having deserted him, he is bereft of any effective support and driven only by a zombie-like primal urge to cause trouble. 

He has so far escaped prison for his mendacious Iraq adventures, though the possibility of crowdfunded private legal action against him is growing, and he may yet find himself in the dock in 2017. His Brexit performances may be an attempt to distract from having to face justice.

Blair has also announced plans to set up his own Disinformation Service to drip his own venomous version of reality onto social and mainstream media. Apart from the editorial staff at the Guardian, few will be gulled (or gulled again) by Blairthink.

There has also been no confirmation to date that Blair's efforts at resurrection are inspired by secret cash from George Soros, whose own seditious attempts to subvert democracy both in the UK and in America are bringing him perilously close to arrest.