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Friday, 25 May 2018

From the Desk of Dr Barrister Adoke Aboyongo


Dear Friend,

GDPR Regulations

Important changes are coming into effect today that govern the way in which we here communicate with you.

To remind you, I am the only child of the Late Chief and Mrs Abingo Aboyongo, a very wealthy stick merchant based in Lagos. The fish-scorpion bite that caused my father's death was, I believe, deliberately administered by a business rival. As he died in prolonged agony, his limbs turning emerald green in a side effect of the deadly venom, he whispered to me that he had secreted forty five million dollars ($45,000,000) in a secret UK bank account, the profits of European stick exports. The tragic death of my mother in a concrete pump accident shortly after means I remain sole heir to this fortune.

Sadly, restrictive Nigerian currency import regulations mean that I am unable to withdraw my fortune in person. I therefore wrote to you last year asking for your help in securing withdrawal of cleared funds in return for a 30% share of the capital balance. You were kind enough to provide me then with your bank details, pin, password, memorable word, mother's maiden name and first pet name (Dingo - really?) at that time, shortly before you so tragically lost so much money from your accounts due to the negligence and incompetence of the banks.

If you wish to continue to receive these 419 emails, please click on the link below. This will take you to a website which will install a small and unobtrusive piece of software on your computer. In return you will share in a ONE THIRD part of my unclaimed wealth to spend as you wish, on marsupials or other pet species of your choice, or to replenish your much diminished bank accounts. 

Yours most sincerely

Dr Barrister Adoke Aboyongo PhD MA BA(Hons) LLB
(Desk of)


Stephen J said...

I think that you have mistakenly made some sort of racial/cultural slur, when what you really needed to highlight was that the person that generated this message is in fact a senior civil servant at the Berleymont in Brussels.

The honourable Dr Barrister Adoke Aboyongo PhD MA BA(Hons) LLB is a good friend of mine and he feels very hurt by your insinuations sir.

Still... what's £40 billion between friends?

mikebravo said...

Are you sure that is not an email from the Ex Rt Hon Anthony Cottager Blair?

Hector Drummond, Vile Novelist said...

I'd stop giving this guy any money, the bottom has dropped out of the stick market now.

Tom said...

Thanks for spilling my morning tea.

jack ketch said...

*snork* I'd have preferred that to the 100+ or so 'Are we still fwiends, do you still love us?' fucking euro Spam I have had this last week. *is rapidly going off the EU*

Poisonedchalice said...

GDPR = stealth tax.

Oldrightie said...

It was a novichok agent killed Dad and delivered on the end of his fishing rod, aka door handle. Putin was swimming close by.

Demetrius said...

Isn't he one of Bojo's special advisers?

wiggiatlarge said...

I haven't had a "Dear Friend" email for some time, the last one was from President Mubarak of Egypt wife who was , and I believe her , looking for a friend who could help her transfer £600 million into a British bank account , for a small outlay I could help my new friend and then be repaid handsomely for the small task.
Sadly I had to refuse the generous offer but we remain friends.

Smoking Scot said...

So keen they try to appear about use of data, yet they were one of the first to sign up to Common Reporting Standards.

anon 2 said...

There's a reason why, in non-Christian areas, "education" failed to continue developing ...

John Vasc said...

As a much-loved and successful tv actor famous for my ubiquity, inscrutable expression and terribly well-educated grey monotone voice, I am often asked, 'What is the greatest blight on the world today?'
Well, I tell them, apart of course from the disgrace of having abandoned our friends in Europe, and thus throwing into jeopardy my ongoing ownership of a boutique hotel in Antibes and my 10-room villa in Corfu, the world's greatest misery is the epidemic of concrete pump accidents in Africa.
Literally millions have been affected by the malfunctioning pumps, a legacy of white colonialism.
Ten pounds will pay for a witch-doctor to prevent three of these accidents in a single month - a hundred will provide a simple clockwork mechanism that village women can build in order to help the irrigation of the fields with smooth-flowing concrete. A mere thousand pounds can fund the making of a concrete dam that will help poor schoolchildren, maimed, innocent victims of the dreadful pumps, win the Turner Prize and train for the Olympics.

Will you help stop the concrete pump madness?...Give today, however little you can afford it.

leila said...

Raedwald more of these posts, please! Amidst the gloom and doom genuine hilarity!

Cascadian said...

The British "free" press have been issued a reporting ban related to the arrest of Tommy Robinson outside Leeds court. Any observer can guess the type of case under jurisdiction and why the "justiciary" might want to censor reporting.

You will have to refer to a USA based website-Breitbart to receive this news.

Whilst we fuss about on-line privacy and Raedwald rightly takes the piss out of the EU, the state censors your right to news everyday.

Cascadian said...

Doh!!! justiciary, make that judiciary.